Feeling Lost

Dear Diary,

Actually, I was typing and trying to expound on one of the seven famous “I am” statements by Jesus, namely “I am the bread of life.” (John 6:35) Typed about a page on it but gave up because I don’t know how to conclude my thoughts. So I deleted it and decided that sometimes the message is more basic and more relevant than how we would perceive. If you continue reading that same chapter 6, there will be a couple of controversial verses (v 53 – 58), basically the bone of contention, the polemic debate of the doctrine of transubstantiation.

However, in recent times… I am trying to read the bible in a more life-application way rather than doctrinal defence. The fact that Jesus described himself as the bread is pretty unique. Bread is the staple food then and something associated with the bare essential. The Jews were beginning to be convinced that maybe Jesus was their long-awaited Messiah, their saviour. They had earlier seen how Jesus fed the thousands with five loaves and two fishes, and probably wondering if he would be the Messiah to come, of which the signs would be the divine provision of bread (as their forefathers had consumed in the form of manna from heaven during the era of Moses), the establishment of the Jewish kingdom and to be broken from Roman oppression.

Unfortunately, the Jews were concerned about the physical satisfaction of tangible bread and a visible kingdom on Earth. Jesus, who came as the second covenant, spoke about himself being the bread of life. The man who would be broken for you and for me. The bread which gives eternal life. The bread that is essential to our very being, our existence and our salvation. The bread that would triumph over the worldly hunger and lust for power, wealth and the temporal things. Jesus eventually died on the cross and established a spiritual kingdom that conquered death and broke the bondage of sins. Sometimes, I am very thankful that I am born in this era because if Jesus were to come walking into my pharmacy one day and claim that he is the bread of life or the light of the world (oh man… that is an extraordinary claim!), I doubt I would have believed. Yet as I look at my own life, I see how life is purposed upon.

I do feel that I am still bound by the stranglehold of the world, which is sad because I should have more sense as a Christian. I feel lost at times like a captain of a ship caught in the ocean without his navigation tools. The rat race continues and I am at loss… not sure where I should be heading. I thought I knew where I should be heading but I am wrong. I don’t really feel bad to be feeling this way… in fact, I thank God that in His way… he made me realise that I am finite and vulnerable, that I need Him and should lean on Him. Life is still comfortable despite losing the compass… but I want to make my life count for Him and the people around me. Not sure what my destiny is. Do keep me in prayer. Thanks! ;-)

Strangely, it was one ex-university classmate who triggered those thoughts in me. On Friday evening (11-4-2008), I boarded the bus… all tired and about to put the ear phones in my ears when a girl called out. I had kinda noticed that the entire bus was filled to the brim and yet the seat beside me was empty… she plopped herself beside me. I wasn’t too close with her during the university days but we could always somehow talk whenever we met on those occasional moments. She had just started work in the private hospital and felt inadequate in knowledge. Yet, she admitted that she is beginning to feel more fulfilled in her job because she is learning things. Stagnation in knowledge is a factor in life and career dissatisfaction… She is doing well now… getting married in a fortnight’s time. I guess my life, on the contrary, has been lopsided. Guys focus only on one objective at hand? Haha… I really don’t know. Quite enlightening to hear what she thought of me.. you know… that I am academically inclined, “hospital-ish”… haha… Never knew that it was how she saw me, haha…

Maybe I have been doing what my mind feels I should do and not what my heart tells me to. I have been trying to see what I need when I should be seeing through the eyes of God what He really thinks I need. Jesus said that He is the bread of life… I should really try to remember that always… The late nun Mother Theresa spoke so rightly when she said, “You will never know that Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have.” I pray for faith indeed! Okay, that’s about all for today… kinda feeling “burnt out” with all my evenings occupied… yeah, I have military physical training on both of my evenings off. Basically, I reach home past 10.30pm everyday except Sunday. That’s all for now. Take care! =)

God Bless,

Andrew