I Exist

Dear Diary,

Really wonder if I am really living or just “existing”. Yesterday (Sunday), I actually had to work because there was no one else left to call upon to work! That was a really demoralising day. Nevertheless, I knew that I had to attend a church. Since I was supposed to work at CentrePoint, I thought maybe I could check out the Orchard Road Presbyterian Church since my former university lab partner always says that she will play a good host should I visit her “Mandarin-speaking” service. However, coincidentally… she had to attend a friend’s ROM (registry of marriage) party yesterday so she could not meet up with me. Instead, I decided to take a little walk down to Tank Road, where I came upon a beautiful church. I stepped into the Church of the Sacred Heart… they were already 15 minutes into the Mass. Somehow, the Anglican liturgy I was brought up in… helped me a lot in this unfamiliar church. The order of service and the liturgical prayers were pretty much similar to what I pray in an Anglican church. When I realised that one of the priests of this church is Rev Fr Paul Tay, I was even more amazed! The last time I heard him speak was when I was a 14-year-old non-Christian. At that time, he was a priest at Church of the Holy Trinity. I remembered him because when I left that particular church Mass 13 years ago, I asked my father why the priest was scolding the parishioners for leaving tissue papers on the pews in church, haha…

Anyway, the church was a stunning beauty but sadly, many of the worshippers sitting around me were either dozing off, day-dreaming, playing with their babies, looking around (a very distracted lot), … If I never knew any Catholics before this visit, my impression wouldn’t have been too good. Nonetheless, I watched the priest and his altar boys with undivided interest. The sermon was short and the entire Mass over in just about an hour. Catholicism seems so mystical to me at times. Even the crucifix in the centre of the church seemed to highlight to me how Christ knew the Father’s purpose in his life and obediently carried it out. I, in great contrast, am admittedly lost without direction and not sure if I could even be considered slightly obedient. I am reminded that selective obedience is not obedience but convenience. Sigh… I left for work at CentrePoint after that Mass and even before I started putting on my white coat there, I managed to convince and explain a couple to buy more than $200 worth of ROC cosmetics. Don’t ask me how I manage to explain the different etiologies of wrinkles and how those cosmetics work. I just somehow did.

As for today, I am reminded again when my pharmacy assistant asked me to explain two passages from the bible which he could not understand. One was from the Gospel of Saint John (John 21: 15 – 25) and the other from the Acts of the Apostles (Acts 11: 1 – 18). I could explain to him what the passages meant… even knew the historical nature of those passages linking to church controversies. Explaining them to my assistant gave me that peace in my heart. Maybe my daily reading of the bible is more ritualistic than relational. Suddenly, it just dawned on me how much I miss reading the bible and praying with fellow Christians. Haven’t really done that since I started my working life. You know… I really wish I could have someone I can pray with, read the bible with, share my life with and be good examples for Christ together. Yeah, if only all lives end in the fairy tale fantasies of marrying one’s best friend … Female best friend please, if you are male, haha…

Okay, all the best! Goodnight!

God Bless,

Andrew

PS: This is the 100th entry of this current blog.